This past Monday night I was sitting near the stage at Radio City Music Hall in New York watching the live taping of Oprah‘s “Lifeclass“ with guest Tony Robbins, author and life coach extraordinaire. Thirty minutes before the cameras started rolling, the producers at Harpo introduced Tony to the audience, and the predictable applause followed. But within five minutes, Tony had us all on our feet cheering, laughing, and high-fiving each other. The energy in the room of 5,000+ was unbelievable!
Tony Robbins & Oprah at live taping of “Lifeclass” in NYC
How did he do it? He explained that our body language precedes and determines our emotions and our actions – not exactly a new concept but fun to put to the test. First he asked us to get out of our seats and stand as if we were really bummed out or indifferent, and greet the people around us. Then he had us greet each other with a posture that exudes enthusiasm and confidence.
I felt an immediate shift, not only in my body, but also in my emotions, my self-confidence, and my outlook. And because the person I was greeting was doing the same, I actually liked her far more than when I greeted her the first time.
But sometimes we’re having a bad day, and maybe we just don’t feel like faking our body language to improve our mood, and we don’t necessarily believe it will, either. So what then?
According to Tony Robbins, you change your outlook in two ways. First of all, a quick way to snap out of your bad mood is through physical motion. To make sure we understood, Tony cranked the tunes and had us jump up and down, dance, raise our fists in the air, and then fist pump repeatedly. At first I felt a little silly, especially when he asked us to shout “Yes! Yes! Yes!” But I’ll tell you, it really got my blood going, and I was smiling ear to ear. I felt fantastic!
Oprah walking on hot coals at a Tony Robbins event
The second lesson Tony shared for improving your outlook – and often your lot in life too – is this: Divorce Your Story. We all have a story we’ve created in our minds about who we are and where we are in life – and we get so used to replaying that story over in our head that we believe it as unchangeable truth. But most of the time it is not the truth, it’s just the story we’ve created over the years.
This concept was not new to me, but it’s always helpful to be reminded. So I asked myself What are my stories and how are they holding me back?
“My career can only go so far – I don’t have a graduate degree, and I haven’t written a book (yet).”
“I’ll never be really financially rich – I’ve got kids to raise, and you can’t have it all.”
“Of course I don’t have 6-pack abs – I’m 47!”
These are just a few of my own stories (which actually make me laugh at myself as I read them!) I bet you’re telling yourself stories that are equally untrue. And yet we believe these stories, and they in turn determine our feelings, which affect our actions, and ultimately create our whole life! They become self-fulfilling prophecies.
Think about the last time you wanted something (a weekly massage, a raise or more money, a leaner body, a new job or your own business, more romance) but you rejected the idea because of a story you told yourself about why you couldn’t have it. Most likely, deep inside you are afraid or feel maybe you don’t deserve it. Those emotions are painful to feel, so we tend to weave – and believe – our stories that rationalize why we can’t have whatever it is that we want. Here are a few I commonly hear from clients:
A weekly massage – I can’t afford it.
A raise – I won’t get it because my boss is a jerk and doesn’t recognize what an asset I am. More money – The economy’s bad.
A leaner body – I don’t have time to work out. I have a demanding job and kids who need me at home.
A new job - The economy sucks so I won’t find anything. There are no good jobs out there. My own business - I don’t have the capital or the right credentials.
More romance – I’m too tired to make the effort. Besides, s/he should be the one who makes the effort!
Byron Katie, author of Who Would You Be Without Your Story and Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life, suggests we ask ourselves four questions when facing our story. Those questions are:
- Is it really true?
- Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
- How do you react when you think that thought? a) Can you see any reason to drop that thought? b) Can you find a stress-free reason to keep that thought?
- Who would you be without that thought?
Byron Katie illustrates that it’s not the thing itself that’s bothering us, but rather our feelings about that thing that actually causes our suffering.
According to UC Santa Barbara Psychology Professor Michael Gazzaniga, “The left brain weaves its story to convince itself and you that it is in full control…. What is so adaptive about having what amounts to a spin doctor in the left brain? The interpreter is really trying to keep our personal story together. To do that, we have to learn to lie to ourselves.”
So what lies are you telling yourself? What is your story? And who would you be without it?
As Tony Robbins says, it’s time to divorce your story. Just let it go. Telling your own truth is ultimate freedom.
